


Life Was A Nightmare

by Boom_Chris



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Stucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 21:31:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11837451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boom_Chris/pseuds/Boom_Chris
Summary: Life used to be a nightmare for Bucky. Things are better now that he's free and has Steve by his side, even if his life isn't perfect.





	Life Was A Nightmare

Bucky woke up, covered in sweat and sobbing. He sat up and glanced over at Steve, who began to stir. Bucky didn't want to wake him. He covered his mouth and rushed off to the bathroom, locking the door before sliding down to the floor.

He had nightmares before, and normal he'd go back to sleep, or occasionally, he'd need Steve to talk him down. This time was different.

It had been many years since Bucky had broken away from Hydras rule. The damage done to his brain, however, was still present. He was slowly getting better, but he knew he'd never be normal. He knew he'd never truly be okay.

Sometimes he had a hard to time remembering what actually happened versus what was planted in his head. Newer memories were clearer, but further back ones were blurrier. It was like he was watching from far away. His mind was too foggy to discern whether or not most of those memories were real. Unfortunately, his memories of being tortured were clear.

Sometimes Bucky could ask Steve about something he thought he remembered from their time before the war. Sometimes he'd smile and tell Bucky that he was correct; that did happen. Other times he'd tell Bucky what actually happened, smiling fondly, reminiscing on their better days.

Bucky tried to catch his breath. He had a nightmare that he wasn't quite sure if it actually happened or not. He certainly didn't want to ask Steve about it, though. He barely got any sleep either.

There was a light knock on the door, and Bucky knew he was fucked. He had woken Steve up.

“Buck? Everything okay?”

Bucky took a deep breath, tried to calm his voice because he knew it would be shaky.

“Yeah, yeah. Go back to sleep.”

Bucky knew he didn't sound convincing, but he hoped Steve wouldn't notice while half asleep.

“Bucky, open the door,” Steve replied firmly. Bucky knew he couldn't ignore him.

He wiped away any tears that were left on his face and slowly stood up. He turned around and opened the door. His lover stood there looking very concerned. He was immediately drawn into a hug.

“Are you okay? Did you have another nightmare?” Steve whispered into his ear.

Bucky felt weak in Steve's embrace. Tears began flowing and his knees felt weak. He really wasn't okay.

Steve released him and helped him towards the bed. He collapsed onto the bed and Steve sat down, gently beside him.

Steve rubbed his back while he sobbed. Bucky hated crying in front of Steve. It made him feel weak and broken. Steve would always try to reassure him that he wasn't, though.

“What happened?” Steve asked calmly.

“Nightmare,” was all Bucky could spit out.

Steve scooted closer and wrapped his arm around Bucky.

“Tell me about it.”

“I can't.”

Bucky felt scared and ashamed. Those feelings would certainly feel amplified if he found out that the nightmare was actually a memory of his he had forgotten until now.

“Come on, Buck. It's obviously very upsetting. Let me help you out. Tell me about it,” he negotiated.

Bucky looked over at Steve. He could see the compassion in his eyes. Bucky had to look away.

“Have I ever tried to kill you?” he asked cautiously.

“What?”

“You know, as the Winter Soldier?” It physically pained him to say the name.

There was silence for a couple seconds.

“Yes. Why?”

Bucky just felt like he was punched in the gut. Another round of tears came, silently this time.

“When did it happen? Were we in D.C.? On an airship?” he asked, still unable to look at Steve.

“Buck, I don't understand.”

Bucky quickly turned and stared right at his eyes. “Tell me.”

“Yes,” Steve admitted with pain prevalent on his face, like he almost knew what was happening in Bucky’s head.

The memory came rushing back into Bucky head. It was clear now. Bucky was going to kill Steve. He was his mission. He had to complete it, for Hydra.

And Steve was going to let him do it.

It was too much for Bucky. He quickly slipped out of Steve's arms and stood up. Steve softly called out his name.

Bucky ignored it and headed for the bedroom door. He had his hand on the knob when Steve called out his name more forcefully.

He stood frozen at the door. Steve slowly walked up behind him, gently placing his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky whipped around and faced him. Steve seemed shocked by the anger and tears covering Bucky’s face.

“You were gonna let me kill you,” Bucky spat out.

“Buck-” Steve tried to comfort, but was cut off.

" _You were gonna let me kill you!”_

“But you didn't,” he weakly shot back.

“God, Steve. What would've happened if I did do it?”

“Buck, don't get upset. We're past this. That was a different time.”

“I'm not past this!” Bucky shouted, “I'm still all messed up because of fucking Hydra!”

“I'm sorry.” Steve placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder.

“Do you know what would've happened if I had killed you?”

Steve stayed silent. He wasn't sure. He never really thought about it.

“I would still be with Hydra. Or worse, I wouldn't be and then I'd have to live the rest of my miserable damn life without you! Hell, I doubt I'd actually have that long of a live. Some days you're the only that keeps me alive Steve,” Bucky confessed, emotions and tears spilling out of him.

Steve pulled him into a tight hug and whispered into his ear, “I'm sorry, Buck. I'm so so sorry. I love you so much.”

Bucky hugged Steve back. He couldn't imagine not being able to hold him whenever he wanted, or needed. He couldn't imagine not waking up to his smiling face every morning. Some days were struggles, but they were there to support each other through it.

They stood there until the tears stopped. Neither one of them wanted to let go of the other.

“Do you really want to… commit suicide sometimes?” Steve asked cautiously.

“Yes,” Bucky whispered back, “but then I think about how we almost lost our lifetime together during the war, and I want so much more than a lifetime with you, but I need at least a lifetime. I can't lose that, so even if some days hurt, you make them hurt a little bit less, and I make it through them.”

Steve was now the one crying. He placed a kiss on Bucky's neck.

“I love you. I love you so much. I need a lifetime with you, too. I want to die old and by your side, Buck.”

Steve place another kiss on Bucky's neck. Then he let go and they both climbed back into bed. They held each other close.

Bucky looked into Steve's eyes. He felt like life gave him a second chance. Either he'd kill Steve and end up dead or a slave for live, or he'd spare him and they'd finally get to live their lives together. That's how he'd view that memory from now on. His second chance at the life he was meant to have.

He closed his eyes now, no longer afraid of any nightmares. His life as the Winter Soldier with Hydra was long gone. He was in control now and he was not going to let fear control him. He survived the worst life could've thrown at him. Everything now would be easy, and he no longer had to fear nightmares. Steve would forever be by his side to set him straight.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out [my tumblr](https://boom-its-chris.tumblr.com/) for updates and more!


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